May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" Trump Tower Damascus questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Technique: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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